pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
