what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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