oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
