Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Soap is not a condiment
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
