I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
