she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
