OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
