The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
