Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
