What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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