i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
