Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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