The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
