Jerry, you need to find god
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
