i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
