Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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