i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
