if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
