You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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