life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
