you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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