Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
