Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
