Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
