Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
