Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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