I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
