gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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