so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
