I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
