I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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