Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
