Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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