I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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