She is in my trunk
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
