Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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