We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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