Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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