hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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