Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I look better un-naked...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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