I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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