I just saw a hot homeless man
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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