I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
