Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
