My first STD was from a foam party
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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