my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
