you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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