the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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