If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
