I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
