she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
