No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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