I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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