What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
