I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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