thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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