"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
