I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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