does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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