Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
